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vfnsogwrh90ghwre0fgy90syg6gyetek[m; l l ;/rggjrfepjprehpedmhpdjhpdujh0878942ononopnpgnsfgghb zo[pq4y-0=68i24-0 t6897tyr98t7re89t67yre98g67y98y0y89vyfake54890t6y4902t6ht6y2nk4n64-809bu08fdyh0fhfhnf !
...it's not always about you.
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Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
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bad bad bad mood.
no particular reason. cumulation of situations one supposes.
bad bad bad mood.
"Well done"; I hear you but i don't believe it.
Ugh.
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why do people feel it necessary to fill silences with words?
To sit with someone in a comfortable silence is one of the most beautiful things in this world. That feeling; where you both feel some incredible compassion, such an intense energy, it is not spoken of and it doesnt need to be, it just is there. And it makes me smile.
Words are a funny thing, they are the basis of our civilisation, aren't they? We use them everyday, in our jobs, at home and just in general life. But they aren't that special. Sometimes a look can mean more than words. Stupid words, vibrations which process in your brain, processed acoustically and semantically.
Some people never shut up, afraid to be silent. But i embrace silence, because our boides can express emotions far better than any word. I suppose it is what they call the soul. I don't need to tell someone im angry to be angry.
If there were no words would the world stop? No.
People often percieve me as someone who looks down on people or somone who doesn't care. And its not that, i just choose to be quiet because thats the way I am. I hold great distaste for mindless babble. If i have something to say I will, i prefer to listen. Because when you shut up and listen you become totally connected with everything around you. Theres nothing i like more than listening to the wind or the hidden emotion in someones voice. It brings me peace. I appreciate sound. Others abuse it. I respect my thoughts and feelings. They belong to me and if i share them then thats great but if i don't then thats my decision.
I hate how most people believe relationships should be based on pure communication, i could talk to someone i dont particulary get on with until im blue in the face and i could feel no closer to them. Relationships, for me, are about understanding. Understanding and experience. To know when someone you care about needs you or to just be with someone peacefully. When you can tell what someones thinking or know what they are about to say next...thats when you have someone special.
Words. How queer they are. All of the above are just words which i have stringed together. To somone in Japan my words are meaningless. My shapeless matter.
It is silent now, everyone is out. There is a fly on my curtain. I can hear the buzz of my computer and the gentle tapping of my keyboard. It's nice.
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Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
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| Time: | 10:39 pm. |
| Mood: |  nada. | | Music: | Saul Williams - Grippo. |
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Well...here i am again. It is so repetitive and tiresome; I believe the best way to describe my thoughts, feelings, emotions at this time is too look to one of the greatest movies ever made; True Romance. Look to the scene where Elliot Blitzer has a gun held to his head in an elevator, he is crying ferociously and blubbers "I wish someone would just take me away". Take me away.
I have become complacement with the city slums, i crave something so much more then the confinements of my world. The world is so big and i only know a tiny fraction of it. This scary thought crossed my mind whilst i was walking through the streets of Brixton. All i know is dirty pavements and one large blur of grey. I spend most of my life travelling on one bus, the 432, this is terribly sad.
And then i come to the meaning of my existence, what do i live for? I live because i have too, i was brought into this world and i must perform my duties as a human being. And in this society that means going to University and getting a job, popping out some kids and dying. How depressing.
Education is the ruin of me; the more i learn the more cynical i become. It must be so easy to be stupid, the prospect of having not to think of anything is welcoming and disturbing. I often look at the younglings in my school, and just watch them. Just watch. And ponder what goes through their minds. When i was younger i used to believe that everyone thought as i did, but then i had a "conversation" with a young, developing chav.
Useless knowledge, it's not so useless. It is the basis for determining useful knowledge. This is useless knowledge, an insight into my confusion but perhaps it shall lead you into clairity, confusion or a rather fucked up opinion of me.
For now, i shall carry on taking the 432 and living in my grey blur, because it is all i know and all i have. In some ways it makes me feel secure and in others, insecure.
Adieu
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Saturday, February 18th, 2006
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ugh i feel so angry.
Im so sick and tired of doing the same thing day in day out.
I want to live in Barbados and do nothing, lie on the beach and eat melons.
I dont want to do A levels.
I dont want a job.
I dont want to write those fucking essays.
and...I DONT WANT PERIODS.
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Sunday, January 22nd, 2006
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How strange.
Not to know these feelings.
How confusing, that i don't even know who i am, what i am or why i am. It is something that cannot be learned and it is something i fear i will never understand, no matter how much conditioning i am exposed too.
The past three or four weeks have been really surreal.
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Saturday, December 10th, 2005
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I wonder if there is more to wearing glasses than people think? Could it be that the visually impaired people of this world have a distorted image, perception and/or understanding of reality which is cured only by the stable majority who crave social acceptance and a “perfect world” who create these tools(spectacles)which we use to conform to their understanding. OR is it the visually impaired people who have the right perception of this world, blurred and incomprehensible and it is the majority who suffer from the detachment of reality by wearing fictional “rose tinted glasses” and discriminating against the spectacle wearing minority.
Four Eyes...more to the meaning? We see beyond the standard two dimensional majority?
Or am I just dumb and blind?
Who cares.
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Monday, November 28th, 2005
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Thursday, September 29th, 2005
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| Time: | 9:18 pm. |
| Mood: |  nothing. | | Music: | Katatonia - Evidence. |
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To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.
How can this classic piece of literature speak what i feel in this modern day....
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Friday, September 23rd, 2005
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change.
good or bad? :-/
so very very annoyed.....but it is a production of my own faults.
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Thursday, September 1st, 2005
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huurggh, grrrrrrrrrrrr. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. grrrrrrrrrrrr. It's your own fault.
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| Time: | 8:19 pm. |
| Mood: |  very bad mood. | | Music: | katatonia - i am nothing. |
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i am so very frustrated right now.
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| Time: | 9:55 pm. |
| Mood: | nothing. | | Music: | The Magic Numbers - Wheels on Fire. |
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la la la i'm breaking down....la la la....la la la i'm breaking down....la la la....la la la i'm breaking down....la la la....la la la i'm breaking down....la la.......la la la i'm breaking down............la la la la la la i'm breaking down....la la la i'm breaking down....la la la....la la la i'm breaking down....la la la.........down.....d.o.w.n.......la.
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i am in such a pointless mood....hmmm...i think i have gone through so much, mentally, over the past few weeks and these experiences have changed me alot. I can't yet say whether this change is a good one or a bad one, all i know is that it has occured. I think it might be because i'm getting older, wanting different things and just trying to find who i am and what i want to be.
I seem to keep changing my mind about what i want to do with my future, i used to be so sure but its not as easy as i previously thought it to be. I predict that i will change immensly over this summer, only time will tell.
I had pie from Selfridges food hall today, very nice.
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| Time: | 6:17 pm. |
| Mood: |  distant. | | Music: | staind- epiphany. |
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i don't know why i feel the way i do....all i know is that it makes me cry....
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I actually did something with my holidays yesterday....i went shopping. Greta and I went to Camden and walked for ages, shes so fussy! Our dialogue:
Greta: I have to buy something otherwise i'll feel like scum.
Kerry: Go On Theeeen.
(kerry follows greta around the whole of camden, greta knows kerry is on her period and her legs hurt but she carries on walking)
Greta: Oh lets buy food from that little woman over there and die of food posioning.
Kerry: Ok.
Anyhoo....after Camden we went to Oxford street (greta had still bought nothing) i bought two tops and we both shared waffles and ice cream, so yummy. Finally Greta bought something and it was none other than a bright red fury jacket, i think its really nice but she'll probably get cussed.
My alarm didn't go off today and i missed the revision class for maths >_< but i got a new phone which is so lovely.
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i felt really out of place on wednesday but i think i'm only being paranoid....but then again some people can hurt your feelings without realising it. Accidentally on Purpose.
Oh the troubles of a mere teenage girl...
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transfering greta's entry cos she is a pilock and wants to delete her lj....
today has been soo cool. it snowed so much when i went into school we were told it was being cancelled. so, we all went to olivia's house and ate cake and snowball fighted and dressed up and stooff.. so yeah...this entry is for skoo in celebration of her 16th today =] most of it are personal jokes and such so yeah...
[me and kerry are walking down to the tennis courts and kerry's pushing me for no reason whatsoever]
me: you bully.
kerry: you make me sick yeah!
[in science lab, miss ahern is showing us locusts]
me: did you buy them from a pet shop?
miss: yes.
me: [scratching my head] meh, when you can just go to a field and pick some for free.
kerry: nah greta you can just go to your house and get some from there innit. or from your head by the sounds of your scratching.
me: hello kerry, you look lovely today..
kerry: you make me sick.
me: hi kerry, you're the best!
kerry: you make me sick. don't talk to me yeah.
me: hi kerry, how are you?
kerry: shut up you total virgin!
me: hello kerry, i love you
kerry: you're a tramp yeah.
me: hi
kerry: your mother sucks cocks in hell.
[whenever i do the slightest thing]
kerry: tramp!
me: you're so mean
kerry: OMD HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, *ALL THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU* YEAH AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET!
[i am eating an unusually large sandwich at break time. kerry is watching me and shaking her head]
me: yeah, say it
kerry: oh my dayz.. i wasn't going to say anything
me: no, go on, say it!
kerry: nah man, i'm not even going to bother
me: SAY IT
kerry: [walking away] you make me sick...
[at kerry's house. kerry's sitting at the computer with her guitar next to her, swinging around on the chair like a manic jungle child. i'm sitting about three metres away minding my own business. kerry swings around, bashes her guitar and breaks it]
kerry: oohhh my daaayyzz...
[kerry's mum walks in]
kerry: mum, look what greta did to my guitar.
[two months after kerry slept over at my house]
kerry: oh by the way man, i farted on your pillow.
[my house, ages ago. 4am]
bony: greta i'm hungry
kerry: greta man i want some rice!
[at school, to whoever we engage in conversation with]
kerry: yeah man you know once greta stayed at my house and she did a massive poo in the toilet and it got jammed and it stank up the whole house. we had to call the plumber in yeah and clean up the mess cos the toilet overflowed. and another time yeah greta got stuck in our toilet and we had to call in the fire brigade and get them to saw her out.
[roadside in westend. me and kerry have just eaten a whole steak sub and are now eating ben&jerry's waffle with ice cream each]
me: this is so slobbish... this is like ultimate trampness
kerry: right, after this we'll go and get some thorntons.
me: [dies]
[breaktime, talking about the croydon award thingies]
philo: greta, did you get an award?
kerry: [grabbing my chin] look at this face - do you think this face could get an award?
[science]
miss: kerry, stop talking
kerry: sorry
miss: kerry, get on with your work
kerry: yes miss.
miss: kerry, put that calculator away please.
kerry: ah man you can draw a graph on it and everything!
[30 seconds later]
miss: .....AH, KERRY!..??
kerry: yeah, i know... [random pool of water on the table]
[marking a listening exercise in french]
miss: the answer to question one is h.
kerry: [tick] bien!
miss: two is c.
kerry: [tick] bien!
miss: three is f.
kerry: [tick] bien!
miss: four is a.
kerry: [tick] bien!
miss: we could do without the comments.
kerry: ...
miss: five is d
kerry: [tick] bien!
[french. topic of food]
miss: pates is pasta.
kerry: mmmmmmmmm pasta..!
someone: omd, who said that?
kerry: greta
someone else: what?
miss: what did greta say?
kerry: she said "mmmmmmm pasta"
greta: no i didn't, that was you, you pig!
[the whole class points and laughs at kerry and throws rotten fruit and veg at her and sets her locker on fire]
[after a 2-hour afterschool science class, the school is empty and has not been cleaned. kerry and me are walking through the year 10 corridor saying how hungry we are]
kerry: are you still hungry?
me: yes.. why?
kerry: [points at two cookies on the floor]
..we ate them =)
[in the year 11 corridor in the morning]
bacon: aw greta looks like a little primary school girl
kerry: yeah it's cos she's so small innit. she's sssoooo small she doesn't even have to bend down to tie her shoelaces
me: i'm actually about 1cm taller than you kerry, so you can shut up you oompa loompa
kerry: shut up no-chest!
everyone: ooooooowwwwwwwwwww...!
me: [runs away crying]
[kerry is being very chatty in science. there's a cruise boat on the smartboard]
kerry: look it's the titanic
me: no the titanic had four -
kerry: be quiet!
kerry: HI THERE, I'M BEN COOK!
kerry: i make me sick..
me: [has an epi]
kerry: OOHH MMMYYY DDDAAAYYYZZZ CAALL ME BUBBLES!!!!
hmmm i can't think of anything else to put up :) hope you enjoyed your day darling and the number is... 123456789 bye bye darling!
luv goo
ps *i am so sorry* i haven't finished your scarf =[
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sliver_and_cold's journal
exhausted.
confused/angry.
headache.